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Why This New Look & How I Completely Transformed Myself Through a Deep Healing Retreat

Last year was very challenging for many people, myself included. Most people struggled because of the current global situation but my struggles laid somewhere else.

I’ve been debating with myself for many weeks now if I should write this or not. Should I expose my life in a different kind of way or not. Should I talk about a different kind of healing that goes beyond just physical injuries or not. And then it became clear, as many times before, that everything in life is connected. So any type of healing is ultimately the same type of healing.

I’ve been talking about this for many years now – your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies are all connected. And that’s why my clients are seeing incredible results in their physical recovery because we work together on all the aspects of their healing. Yes, even those aspects that are not completely connected to their injuries – or so it seems at first glance.

So here we are. This is my story of struggle and healing.

To make things a bit clearer I need to start at the beginning of last year.

We were leaving the city of Guanajuato right after New Year’s Day of 2021. We got to the car and before I managed to open the door, my phone slipped from my hand and landed face down on the concrete floor. While I was reaching down I hoped nothing had happened to it but the result of my sloppiness was a completely shattered screen.

To tell you the truth, I cried. Not because a material possession got broken but because after months of feeling like Life was closing every single door to me, this felt like another heart-dropping sign.

“We’ll get you a new screen and not everything is a sign,” my husband tried to comfort me.

“But what if it a sign and the year that just started will be like my phone – shattered?” I commented because I just couldn’t shake off the previous months of struggles.

A few days and a new screen later, those thoughts left me and I managed to convince myself that perhaps not everything in life is a sign.

But how wrong I was…

The colorful city of Guanajuato.

Days and weeks of emotional and mental struggle became months. Anything that I touched and tried to make work crumbled in my hands. I was hearing one ‘No’ after another, with a bunch of ‘This is not a good time’ comments thrown in, plus everything in between when reaching out and talking to people.

Nothing worked and I tried hard to put a brave face on but since anything I tried turned out to be another disappointment (in almost every area of my life), it felt as I was not only losing a battle but a whole war.

In April I found myself deep in the Mayan jungle just south of Tulum.

I went to see a shaman whom I met a couple of years before. I expected an hour or so of talking but that morning turned into a whole day ceremony and something got released. I cried and I cried. For no good reason at all. I’d never experienced crying ‘just because’. I normally cried because I was sad, disappointed, lonely, hurt, depressed, to name just a few situations but the more I searched for any clue WHY I was crying at that moment, the more I was drawing blanks.

She looked at me and said: “Oh, you’ve started without me.” That got me confused because I didn’t start anything and I had no idea what she meant by this.

At the end of the day, she told me to come back in two weeks’ time to stay with them for a few days. I sat in the car and drove off, crying most of the ride back home. I cried the next day and the one that followed. For no good reason. I just couldn’t stop THAT – whatever it was that got triggered and started peeking out.

In the jungle.

May 1 came and I was back in the jungle. What happened in those few days is hard to condense in just a few sentences. This could be a whole book and perhaps it might even turn into one some day. The experience was so intense and so brutal. The plant medicine that I got forced me into depths of my soul. Into all the fear. Into sadness. Into darkness. I purged and I died many times in that process.

I asked what medicine I got and never got the answer:

“You got what you needed and you don’t need to know what it was.”

In those days, I got stripped down to my bones, burned the bridges to my past, released the darkness, surrendered, and most importantly I survived.

The jungle ejected me and I came back with bruises on my knees and extreme calmness. It was me but I was not the same again.

I wish I could say that what followed was like a gentle walk on a sunny day but I would be hiding the truth. Things were not easy but they got easier. Very slowly things started to fall into its place.

A few months ago, one of my amazing subscribers replied to one of my emails and said: ”You feel calmer in your emails – more grounded. Whatever healing you’ve done this year, it shows.”

I was moved and it brought tears (this time happy tears) to my eyes but I’m not going to hide from the fact that for a moment I got worried that perhaps all of my previous emails and messages had been ungrounded and frantic.

The truth is, we do our best with the knowledge and resources we have. When we learn and evolve, we can do (even) better. That’s what happened with me in the last year and it showed.

In Bacalar, a couple of days after returning from the jungle.

I resolved so much, I tore my identity into pieces, and while I was standing on the ashes of my past, I realized that I needed more time to find myself again – to re-build myself from the ground up.

I was disappearing and appearing in my life for months. I struggled, crawling on my knees, and asking this new woman “Who are you? How can I become a whole you if I don’t know you.” We were dancing this fire-y dance and I stumbled so many times and landed on the floor in desperate tears.

Less than a handful of incredible beautiful souls have been observing the whole raw, ugly, and beautiful journey of my re-birth. I’m so grateful for their support, all the encouragement, and the space they held for my tears, losses, discoveries, and then bit by bit my emergement from the land of the lost and naked ones.

During that jungle experience I had a strong vision of myself in two years’ time with long hair down to my shoulders. I tried to ignore it and tried to pretend that it didn’t exist.

I shaved my head at the beginning of 2013. I was sick of hiding behind that mask and I wanted to become free from the past that was also stored in my hair.

So for the next 9 years I was shaving my hair every 2 to 3 weeks. I’d built my identity around that as well – and if I go even further I started my business with this short hair.

So when I saw myself with long hair I had a type of internal tantrum and was fighting it for a few months. The more I tried to run away the more it became clear that I cannot escape it. Last October I had my last shave (even thought I didn’t know it at that time).

In October, I took this photo in the barbershop to send to our family not knowing it would be my last shave.

As a result of this internal change, I didn’t just let my hair grow (don’t be surprised when you see me on the next video (call)), had a deep healing experience with my husband (this is a whole another long story not fitting for this post), but I needed to finally change my physical location as well. That’s why we moved into our new home from Playa Del Carmen to Cancun in November. And at the same time, I started working on a makeover of my website – a new visual representation of who I am and what I do.

Three months after the last shave.

This is a new era. And even though this healing journey has not ended yet, I love what I’m seeing and experiencing from this point of view.

In the last few months, I got asked a couple of times if it was worth it. My answer is always the same:

“There was no other way. Sometimes we are willing to risk everything because there’s nothing to lose and because how things were before couldn’t be anymore. It was difficult but it was time to build a new me.”

With love xx

P.S.: I know that these kinds of insights are not for everyone. I know that some will unsubscribe, leave, close the website, and never look back. That’s ok. I’m not here to please every single person. I’m here to share my truth, to do my work, and along the way help those who are open to be helped with my knowledge and wisdom. No matter in which group you find yourself, I love you

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